Things I hate

Of late,I've realized I hate more things than an average broke engineer.Maybe because I'm not an engineer.I'm just average and broke.Nonetheless, I hate things, and I hate them dearly.

I hate pretentious parents.It’s strange how people can’t stop blabbering about how talented their kids are.They’ll stage them at every relative’s house and then expect every one to praise them out of proportions.

<Insert story : my uncle brought his kid to our place.She danced.I said she sucks….blah blah>

And if you don’t praise,or god forbid,criticize the kids,everybody,even your own parents turn against you.And here’s the logic they put forward – Oh since you think she’s so bad,let us see how good you are!

I mean,what kind of a fucked up logic is that? You don’t need to be great at something to point out that someone sucks at it. That’s what the great privilege of complaining is all about. The whole country ridicules congress for running the government poorly.Does that mean each one of us can do a better job individually? ‘How dare you make fun of a kid? …bleh blah….Trauma!’ Really? I say traumatize the devils a little! It’ll make them stronger humans! You don’t believe me? Examples- Raghu and Rajiv from Roadies! Still don’t believe me? Thousands of IITians!

I hate popular sayings like “paise ped pe ugte hain kya?”. I got this yesterday from my father when I ordered a Sennheiser headphone for 95 grands.Ok,the point being,is that the criterion?We can waste stuff that grows on trees,but not that grows elsewhere? So let me get this straight.My sperm doesn’t grow on trees either,I never heard you mention that Sir?Why did you let me waste 23 years worth of that shit?? Is that why it’s okay to waste oxygen on the worthless shits that humans are? Almost everything we (marvaris) eat grows on trees.Why not start with throwing around some rice on the streets?    .......

I hate the national habit of us Indians- being loud.When people are walking in the market or on the streets,and they see someone they know,they’ll call out their name loudly, disturbing everyone in the vicinity,and then start miming the rest of the conversation so they don’t have to shout.None of which is of any use to anyone of course.Eventually they’ll have to walk three paces each and shake hands.By the time,this tomfoolery makes them the center of attention for the crowd.

(In any other country, people don’t give a fuck.In India,people will stop dead in their paths to watch two strangers meet, overhear  their conversation and provide insightful inputs wherever feasible.)

Here’s one expression I hate! A friend called me yesterday and told me how her university exam was a ‘cakewalk’! Really? Who walks on cake?Who came up with that term?Why would you step on food?Do you know how expensive cakes are?Do you know how yummy they are? Do you know how dirty your floor will become after you’re done with your stupid cakewalk? Do you know TLC has 7 full-fledged shows,JUST ON CAKES!! Would your conscience allow you to step on something people celebrate every achievement with? Speaking of which ---Stepmom.Stepdad.Stepbrother.Stepsister. Why?Why STEP? Because it’s time for you to step aside, is it?

I don’t really like the word bastard anyway! Game of thrones has given us another milder term for that.Snow! I love game of thrones! I was so enthused by the dwarf’s speech that I went to my father and said “Hey father!I’ve been on trial for being a dwarf,my entire life!” My father is 5 inches shorter than me.i don’t think he took the joke very well.Beat the hell out of whatever he could reach.Both my legs are bruised below the knee!

I hate it when I see some kid worshipping the stage before performing. Breaking coconuts and drawing swastikas! Even the anchor goes, “what’s wrong with you?”

“This stage is my temple and you sir are my GOD!”

“What!?? Just perform you dumbass!”

I hate TV commercials that have such a huge impact on us,some words directly trigger a story.Like whenever I hear ‘absorb’, I picture whisper ultra immediately.”ab sokhe 20 pratishat jyada”. But that ad is highly misleading.They’ll show a school-going teenager girl concerned during her ‘Exam-times’,remember?Then her mother would buy her the pads.It would absorb all that blue chelpark ink and the girl would joyfully jump on the bus! I connected the dots and figured out,her fountain pen was leaking.I even pictured girls wrapping their fountain pens in these pads and enjoying the freedom thereafter. I tried buying this stuff for myself at the stationery though, too much fuss! I sense double standard!

Love,

Shashwat Mahe.... faaaak I hate typing!