Things I hate

Of late,I've realized I hate more things than an average broke engineer.Maybe because I'm not an engineer.I'm just average and broke.Nonetheless, I hate things, and I hate them dearly.

I hate pretentious parents.It’s strange how people can’t stop blabbering about how talented their kids are.They’ll stage them at every relative’s house and then expect every one to praise them out of proportions.

<Insert story : my uncle brought his kid to our place.She danced.I said she sucks….blah blah>

And if you don’t praise,or god forbid,criticize the kids,everybody,even your own parents turn against you.And here’s the logic they put forward – Oh since you think she’s so bad,let us see how good you are!

I mean,what kind of a fucked up logic is that? You don’t need to be great at something to point out that someone sucks at it. That’s what the great privilege of complaining is all about. The whole country ridicules congress for running the government poorly.Does that mean each one of us can do a better job individually? ‘How dare you make fun of a kid? …bleh blah….Trauma!’ Really? I say traumatize the devils a little! It’ll make them stronger humans! You don’t believe me? Examples- Raghu and Rajiv from Roadies! Still don’t believe me? Thousands of IITians!

I hate popular sayings like “paise ped pe ugte hain kya?”. I got this yesterday from my father when I ordered a Sennheiser headphone for 95 grands.Ok,the point being,is that the criterion?We can waste stuff that grows on trees,but not that grows elsewhere? So let me get this straight.My sperm doesn’t grow on trees either,I never heard you mention that Sir?Why did you let me waste 23 years worth of that shit?? Is that why it’s okay to waste oxygen on the worthless shits that humans are? Almost everything we (marvaris) eat grows on trees.Why not start with throwing around some rice on the streets?    .......

I hate the national habit of us Indians- being loud.When people are walking in the market or on the streets,and they see someone they know,they’ll call out their name loudly, disturbing everyone in the vicinity,and then start miming the rest of the conversation so they don’t have to shout.None of which is of any use to anyone of course.Eventually they’ll have to walk three paces each and shake hands.By the time,this tomfoolery makes them the center of attention for the crowd.

(In any other country, people don’t give a fuck.In India,people will stop dead in their paths to watch two strangers meet, overhear  their conversation and provide insightful inputs wherever feasible.)

Here’s one expression I hate! A friend called me yesterday and told me how her university exam was a ‘cakewalk’! Really? Who walks on cake?Who came up with that term?Why would you step on food?Do you know how expensive cakes are?Do you know how yummy they are? Do you know how dirty your floor will become after you’re done with your stupid cakewalk? Do you know TLC has 7 full-fledged shows,JUST ON CAKES!! Would your conscience allow you to step on something people celebrate every achievement with? Speaking of which ---Stepmom.Stepdad.Stepbrother.Stepsister. Why?Why STEP? Because it’s time for you to step aside, is it?

I don’t really like the word bastard anyway! Game of thrones has given us another milder term for that.Snow! I love game of thrones! I was so enthused by the dwarf’s speech that I went to my father and said “Hey father!I’ve been on trial for being a dwarf,my entire life!” My father is 5 inches shorter than me.i don’t think he took the joke very well.Beat the hell out of whatever he could reach.Both my legs are bruised below the knee!

I hate it when I see some kid worshipping the stage before performing. Breaking coconuts and drawing swastikas! Even the anchor goes, “what’s wrong with you?”

“This stage is my temple and you sir are my GOD!”

“What!?? Just perform you dumbass!”

I hate TV commercials that have such a huge impact on us,some words directly trigger a story.Like whenever I hear ‘absorb’, I picture whisper ultra immediately.”ab sokhe 20 pratishat jyada”. But that ad is highly misleading.They’ll show a school-going teenager girl concerned during her ‘Exam-times’,remember?Then her mother would buy her the pads.It would absorb all that blue chelpark ink and the girl would joyfully jump on the bus! I connected the dots and figured out,her fountain pen was leaking.I even pictured girls wrapping their fountain pens in these pads and enjoying the freedom thereafter. I tried buying this stuff for myself at the stationery though, too much fuss! I sense double standard!

Love,

Shashwat Mahe.... faaaak I hate typing!

The two golden rules of conversation

Welcome, all you dynamic conversationalists.

I present to you the two golden rules that,as Sheldon Cooper would say, convert your conversation into a conver-sensation! Moreover,this way,things are just cleaner,direct and accurate.OK,maybe not cleaner.

1.Replace anything before a but,including the but,with 'fuck you'.

Before: Your suggestions are brilliant and compelling but I'll marry Amy.
After: Fuck you I'll marry Amy.

2.Replace anything after because,excluding the because,with 'fuck you'.

Before:I'm going to marry Amy because she is beautiful,sophisticated,funny and we love each other.
After: I'm going to marry Amy because fuck you.

Make the world a better place to communicate in with these powerful tools.Also,have fun talking with jerks :D

The art of inception

Hello to you, who accidentally stumbled across this piece of sheet.

This post is about a research finding based upon Christopher Nolan's Inception.
Ever since I saw the movie,it intrigued me to figure out a way to plant dreams in my own head,because honestly- I never dream!All my nights are simply dreamless blank resting endeavors.And one night,while wetting my pants in bed,I hit upon the formula!

As it turns out,you don't need to do anything.Your brain will plant a dream in order to fulfill an urge.Suppose you want to void your bladder,you are asleep, and you have sub consciously instructed your body- not to get up! Also,you have been trained to pee only in the toilet.Your brain knows this,and thus it weaves a web of illusion, in HD!

The dream starts with you sleeping in your room,in your bed, in your most usual posture.Not an iota of doubt can linger in the mind of the beholder.All the settings are exactly the same as you left them.Then you get up as normally as you can and walk to the toilet.Soon enough,you realize the warmth slowly engulfing you. Before you know it, tadaa----- You have successfully peed your pants.You wake up again,distraught in a pool of urine, only to realize that your own brain has tricked you into this.While you surely hate this,you cannot but admire the detail and sheer genius of this illusion.

But this is not all.This was just planting a single dream.What about a dream within a dream?
While peeing induces reflexes that are enough to wake you up even from the deepest slumber,salivating or spitting can only bring you out of one level.So picture this-

You are in a restaurant with your partner.It's very romantic.You're having the most amazing time of your life.You don't remember how you came here,but who cares?You go to the washroom,but before washing your face,you decide to spit in the fancy bowl with a tap,because its cool.As soon as you spit,you wake up in your bed,and realize what's happened.So you get up,go to the wash basin,spit out your saliva again,and behold---you wake up again! And that is when you realize what your brain is capable of.

So there you have it.Now you know the secret of inception.Search for slower triggers and plant higher levels of nested dreams! And in the meantime,induce your own dreams,wet your bed and enjoy!

( I wonder what Christopher Nolan did to figure this out? : / )

If it's not home-made,it's plastic

I'm not a big fan of packaged/preserved/tasty/unhealthy food, but I can do with a pack once in a while.What
bugs me is the conviction with which Indian parents and elderly people allege it.

Old stranger uncle in park: Arre wo kurkure to plastic hota hai!

Me: How do you know?

Uncle: It's scientifically proven.Tum to science padhte ho,jala ke dekh lena.It burns!

Me: Achha??Oh my God!

Me in my head: Oh,that's conclusive proof!I concede! Does Aishwarya Rai burn too?

And it is not limited to the over-priced snacks.Anything that is not home-made is bad.An Indian's age is inversely proportional to his CCI(Consumerism-criticism index).Some of the phases in the CCI chart are as follows:

• The Telangana Phase: Babies.They want everything.They don't care what the consequences are.If you don't give them what they want,they cry and shit on you.

• The Anurag Kashyap Phase: Mid life creatures.They think they can make most things better than the market.They try their home-made tomato ketchup and potato chips.Later,when nobody is looking,they buy Maggi.

• The Arvind Kejriwal Phase: Old people.They believe everything is crap.They only eat natural honey and drink gangajal.They are honest.They probably won't last very long.

Even if I agree food in the restaurants is not always very healthy,and is really expensive,desi food can be unhealthy too.Do you really believe that eating aloo-ke-paranthe with a mountain of butter and tube well full of makhhan vali lassi everyday is healthy for you,but one serving of steamed momos outside will kill you?

Sure Bisleri's mineral water,with all the treatment and purification is still bad for your body, but an ancient river's water is pure because it origins in a blue guy's head,flows through his clean hair into mountains that are vacuumed and sterilized everyday,washes millions of pristine clothes,creatures,corpses and holy garbage and sediments when stored.

What would you prefer? A datoon,that will scratch off your teeth and gums layer by layer,or a toothbrush?
Dried cowdung,or an induction plate?I know I paint a very weird picture,but all I'm trying to say is, please don't hate on us for using these amazing non-home-made products.I'm sorry I like Dettol liquid soap,better than the ash you gave me to rub my hands clean.

Not everything can be built at home.No,your home-made brown fruit syrup does not beat Kissan jam.Your amla paste does not beat my shampoo.And your vedic mathematics class does not substitute for my needs of a real computer.C'mon guys,give the rest of the world a little credit too.